Do you see what I see, when your eyes rest upon me? It hurts to abhor myself so thoroughly; Hurts to continue repeating, ever saying….
…my chest was fuller… …my waist was slimmer… …my legs longer… …my thighs thinner…
Staring, staring, yet there is only the shine of tears to see, glistening at what I can never achieve – perfection unavailable, yet ever taunting me…
…my lashes were thicker… …my eyes were larger… …my lips plumper… …my hair blonder…
Teeny tiny flaws my appearance marring; penetrating, permeating, corrupting my being – ruining the unreal expectation I am inflicting; the impossible standard I can never meet…
I would cease ignoring, The beauty inside me… Face of mine with freckled glory. author unknown
I found this when looking through poetry and loved it because it fit a post i've been wanting to write. Since turning 30, I have been really evaluating my life. I have so many thoughts of 'I wish' that in actuality could be reality 'if only' I changed my attitude and decided to do something about it.
A stronger, more committed, Christian walk My relationship with John as a wife and friend A better mother to my boys-more patient and enjoy each moment My self image and better health
All but the last are worked on daily but can always stand a little more effort. The last is the one I really need to do some work on. I have no intentions of filling my head with delusions of being 5'6 with long slender legs and not an ounce of cellulite anywhere. However, I want to look in the mirror and appreciate the reflection that is staring back at me.
I joke with my sister all the time about changing my name to Kris because I see a very manly person looking back at me most days. I laughed when I read the title ...Freckled Glory, because I have these freckles on my upper lip and to me, it gives a shadowed look that, I think, makes me look like I have a mustache. When i'm having a really bad day, I'll come out of the bathroom and chase John around talking to him in a deep man voice saying goofy things like 'come here baby, give me some sugars' *you so have to read that in a man tone or maybe it's a have to be here kind of thing :)
My point is, I can not make my self grow anymore to help slim down my figure. I can not have Jennifer Anistons hair I don't want long slender legs, I have to say I like the fact mine are more muscular but more toned would be nice...i'm thinking Jenny Finch! And if I could get some of my booty up to my chest that would be a plus too.
I could go on and on about things I could change, but i'm working on looking at what I see as imperfections and learning to love them. And when I am able to do that, it will in turn make it more believable when John compliments me on the very things I am insecure about.
In short my goal is to look in the mirror and see this:
And not this: (hahahahahahaha)
by Cynthia L Parker The Woman Inside of Me
Arms, long and shapely, strong and tone; Legs, lean thighs, strong calves, defined, well-honed; Dancing freely, leaping surely, my body plays, I leap and twirl, turn and bend, stretch and sway.
Walking through a crowd, with pride I stride; Head up, shoulders back, confidence in my eyes; Smile on face, laughter bold, power in my step; Heads turn, I'm alive; I have no regrets.
Proud of self, full of life, confident, able, strong; I believe in myself my mantra, my song.
In the mirror, in the eyes, of those who pass by There is another, different woman that I often spy. She is full-cheeked, fleshy-faced, oval, round; Arms are soft, a bit flabby; legs are heavy, not sound. Belly rounded, hips broad; why can't they see The other woman, hiding, inside of me.
So John posted this on his FB a while back, but I want to have it here so i'll remember. Seth and his nature facts. Do you know why turtles have a shell? It's so they can hide from creditors! hahaha love it! Mr. Aaron and i have a wierd game (some may think) that we play that I love. He's a very demanding child contantly giving grunts of dissapproval. It cracks me up that when the dogs come around he start with this 'ehhhh ehhhh' in a low deep voice. Too funny. But i'm getting sidetracted. When he gets impatient i've been trying to distract him by turning his grunts into a game. I match the tone in which he grunts and turn it into a hum. He usually stops what he's doing, crawls over and puts his mouth up to my mouth (that's the wierd part i guess) and then hums back at me. I keep changing my pitch and i'm really surprised at how quickly he matches me. He can definately carry a tune! I also think he's going to have curls, and he loves to play bashful, which is the cutest thing ever!!!
Quick Seth story: Our conversation over breakfast this morn
M: Eat your breakfast Seth S: Well...(hands held out in an "ok just stop" fashion) I hate to tell you this cause I don't want to hurt your feelings. M: Tell me what? I can handle it S: Are you sure? Ok well here it comes, now I don't want to break your heart...can you handle it? M: I hope so. Just give it to me and i'll try to deal S: Well, I don't really like to eat your breakfasts
Bwhahahahahahaha I LOVE it! :) Seriously, what did we do before we had our own personal comedian?!
Ok, so i've been quiet lately, one because we have been super busy but mostly because i've been extremely emotional. But now that I can handle it, I will explain my situation and see how you guys handle it if you have this problem.
I have really been praying hard that God will change my way of looking at things. See, we have been staying with family the last little bit and I feel that I have missed soooo much with Aaron being little. Now are those things major, not really, but to a momma...yes! He didn't get a nursery set up, I am selfish and don't want to share all of his first with everyone. I want some to just be for us, then later get to share it with the gparents. I have been taking camera pictures like a mad woman, but we haven't had the finances to keep up with professional pics like we did with Seth. And altho Seth wore hand-me-downs, he had plenty of his own clothes that we bought him. Not so much the case with Aaron.(he still has had new clothes just not the same amount) He is a well rounded happy child that knows without a doubt he is loved. He has all the basic needs taken care of and then some, so there is no reason to technically be upset but you momma's understand i'm sure. My prayer has been that instead of dwelling on the 'missed' I focus soley on what we did share and have with him. If I put just as much effort into getting his book together, taking my pictures to be blown up and do my own editing and retell him the wonderful memories we had with him as a baby, he will never know that I feel he was slighted unless I tell him (or 15yrs later he finds this blog post!) I have really put in a lot of time and energy getting things together for him, and ya know what...he actually got a lot that I didn't realize. My focus had just been on the wrong thing.
Has this feeling happend to any of you, and how did you deal with it? Here's some pics of my little bug...