Monday, September 13, 2010

Party for one please!

So, I know I have used this occasionally as an outlet but for the most part I try very hard to keep it upbeat and about the kids. But sometimes there has to be a release and even though you may write it down for yourself, there is something to knowing that someone has heard you. So please humor me as I wallow in my personal pity party.

As some of you know we have a lot going on in our lives right now and none of them are in the same direction! I have been overwhelmed, stressed, scared, mad, resentful, jealous while at the same moment feeling peace, joy, happiness, love, calm and thankful. It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. But at some point you usually hit an obstacle of the simplest most insignificant kind that makes your well constructed wall crumble to the ground leaving you feeling defenseless, vulnerable and hurt. The straw the broke the camel's back so to speak.

So here we go. I love my children more than anything, and it breaks my heart to see them love and want to be with someone so bad and the feelings are not returned. What makes it hurt so bad is that I share those same feelings and take it personal when I am told "no,it's not a good day" "just can't do it, maybe another day" or i'm fed lines about how if things were different they would be able to spend time with them but blah blah blah. So as if the hurt isn't bad, anger is placed on top of it with this scenario.

Seth is a newborn: "it will be so nice when he's a couple months older and it will be easier to take care of him because he can tell you better what he needs"

couple months older: "it will be so nice when he's about a year old and can toddle around beside us, then I can talk to him while I do my stuff"

same thing for 2, then 3 and now here it is Seth is almost 4 years old and the same empty promises are still being given. On top of that Aaron is in the picture and same thing is happening to him. Seth is still small and when you say you will do something...YOU WILL DO IT!!! He has a steel trap memory like most children and he doesn't forget. Then when you back out, Seth is left with a broken heart and tears and mommy and daddy trying to make him understand why once again you didn't come through. My heart can only handle so much, but what do you do?

For me, I get the same thing, so I know exactly how my kids are feeling. To have sent invitations to please come to dinner for over 6 years and not once has it been accepted for one reason or another. But then to hear that at the spur of the moment, you receive an invitation and not only do you accept but you drive an hour and a half to get there...REALLY?!!!!! Thanks a lot!

I have my own family, John-Seth-Aaron, that I love more than life it's self and I have no time to deal with one sided relationships, but I can't let it go. If during a conversation with them, you were to take away listening to what is going on in their life, critiquing mine and what I should be doing or how I should be handling things, excuses and empty promises, then there is nothing left. Why do I hold on to that and allow it to upset me so bad and continue with a relationship that is obviously not healthy...because I WANT it to work, I WANT it to change more than anything in the whole world. So I guess I really have no place to be complaining since i'm choosing to continue on. But if there is a chance that God can work this out then I want to be around for it, to enjoy what I've waited for for so long. I know God can, but since we've been given the gift of free will, if that person doesn't want to change...

Have you ever wanted someone to see you for you! Not who they want to think you are, or hear what they want to hear but actually know you for you. Your likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, fears. What you want for your children, what you would do if you could do anything in the world, even just your favorite color and most importantly how much you love them and just want to be a part of their life with no strings attached. I actually hope none of you can sympathize with this feeling, but if you can then i'm praying for you. And know that I think you are the greatest person in the world...even with your faults!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Times are different now

Maybe your family was different, but one thing I got from my parents was to always lend a helping hand. I remember when we were little, if someone was on the side of the road, we always stopped to see if there was anything we could do. If it was my mom and us girls and we passed a women-especially if she had children with her-we always stopped to see if we could take them somewhere. I can't tell you how many times I remember crawling into the back seat (not always willingly) so we could let some stranger crawl in and take them to their destination. Not always did this stranger smell so pleasant either. *most of you are probably having racing thought about how dangerous and unsafe this was, which leads me to my point.

Most of us think that way, because now days it IS dangerous! Oh, I'm sure it was during that time too, but people didn't seem to be as, well, evil as they are now. You didn't fear that it was some ploy to get you to pick them up so they could turn around and rape/kill you. It wasn't some sick pedophiles way of gaining access to your kids. No most times, they actually needed a ride and were appreciative for it.

Tonight I passed someone in my hunt for working Internet so I could take my tests that I was panicking over, which turned out not to be due till the next day...sheesh. Anyway, as I was on Texoma Parkway turning onto 82, I saw in the pouring down rain this precious old man and his dog, on a bicycle waiting to cross the road. I had cars behind me, but for some reason I REALLY felt inclined to help him, and take them somewhere out of the rain. With cars waiting, there was nothing I could do about it at that point, so I circled back around to find him but couldn't. I did eventually end up passing him again, and due to traffic, wasn't where I could stop that time either. But I did notice the sign on the back of his bike and looked it up when I got home. My little old man is actually traveling across America in support of dog shelters trying to raise awareness and money to help support them. I'm sure he is a sweet man, who is madly in love with his dog, but by first glace you probably wouldn't think that and surely wouldn't consider helping him.
Isn't it sad that times have gotten this way. I think so. I'm not all that old, but I miss being able to know who your neighbors were, knowing it was safe to ride your bike around the block. Helping a person in need and not worry about their intentions.

Maybe it's one of my classes- Race Gender and Ethics- that really has me thinking, or maybe it's just late night rambling...who knows. Either way we are studying the the difference in way people are treated due to race/gender and economic/social status, or just off your first impression. I know i'm guilty of making a judgement call just based off they way a person looks or smells.
I may never try to help someone on the side of the road again - especially if I have my boys with me - but I can at least give a smile, have a kind word, or maybe if a waiter/waitress or check out person is a little rude, try harder to be friendly because who knows what they may be dealing with that day. A kind person may be just what they need to make a difference. Much like the blog I learned about from Amanda Operation Beautiful, I am going to try to brighten the day of everyone I come in contact with.

Go check out my roadside guy, who's name is Leo and his little dog Sassy Max, and I hope that you are having a WONDERFUL DAY!!!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

It's been a little while, and I had promised myself I was going to be more consistent in writing mainly so I could keep up with all the cute things the boys are doing. Sad thing is I mentally check them, but when I sit down to write I can't remember for the life of me what I mentally checked!!!!!

This coming from a person that spent almost an hour looking for my glasses only to catch my reflection and realize they were on my face the whole time....sheesh!

Things have been a little busy around our parts. Getting packed and moved, school has started for me and that has me way overwhelmed right now till I get back into the swing of things, and we keep having little bouts of mystery virus *not to mention our meningitis scare!

I hope that by next week we will be back in a functioning routine. As of now it's been me starting my homework at 10pm and wrapping up somewhere around 2-3am. That would still give me plenty of time to grab some sleep before 6:30 comes around, except that Aaron likes to wake up at 3:30 EVERY morning. It's much better than what it was though-every hour-so i'll take it. Maybe he will sleep better at the new house?
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