Monday, September 13, 2010

Party for one please!

So, I know I have used this occasionally as an outlet but for the most part I try very hard to keep it upbeat and about the kids. But sometimes there has to be a release and even though you may write it down for yourself, there is something to knowing that someone has heard you. So please humor me as I wallow in my personal pity party.

As some of you know we have a lot going on in our lives right now and none of them are in the same direction! I have been overwhelmed, stressed, scared, mad, resentful, jealous while at the same moment feeling peace, joy, happiness, love, calm and thankful. It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. But at some point you usually hit an obstacle of the simplest most insignificant kind that makes your well constructed wall crumble to the ground leaving you feeling defenseless, vulnerable and hurt. The straw the broke the camel's back so to speak.

So here we go. I love my children more than anything, and it breaks my heart to see them love and want to be with someone so bad and the feelings are not returned. What makes it hurt so bad is that I share those same feelings and take it personal when I am told "no,it's not a good day" "just can't do it, maybe another day" or i'm fed lines about how if things were different they would be able to spend time with them but blah blah blah. So as if the hurt isn't bad, anger is placed on top of it with this scenario.

Seth is a newborn: "it will be so nice when he's a couple months older and it will be easier to take care of him because he can tell you better what he needs"

couple months older: "it will be so nice when he's about a year old and can toddle around beside us, then I can talk to him while I do my stuff"

same thing for 2, then 3 and now here it is Seth is almost 4 years old and the same empty promises are still being given. On top of that Aaron is in the picture and same thing is happening to him. Seth is still small and when you say you will do something...YOU WILL DO IT!!! He has a steel trap memory like most children and he doesn't forget. Then when you back out, Seth is left with a broken heart and tears and mommy and daddy trying to make him understand why once again you didn't come through. My heart can only handle so much, but what do you do?

For me, I get the same thing, so I know exactly how my kids are feeling. To have sent invitations to please come to dinner for over 6 years and not once has it been accepted for one reason or another. But then to hear that at the spur of the moment, you receive an invitation and not only do you accept but you drive an hour and a half to get there...REALLY?!!!!! Thanks a lot!

I have my own family, John-Seth-Aaron, that I love more than life it's self and I have no time to deal with one sided relationships, but I can't let it go. If during a conversation with them, you were to take away listening to what is going on in their life, critiquing mine and what I should be doing or how I should be handling things, excuses and empty promises, then there is nothing left. Why do I hold on to that and allow it to upset me so bad and continue with a relationship that is obviously not healthy...because I WANT it to work, I WANT it to change more than anything in the whole world. So I guess I really have no place to be complaining since i'm choosing to continue on. But if there is a chance that God can work this out then I want to be around for it, to enjoy what I've waited for for so long. I know God can, but since we've been given the gift of free will, if that person doesn't want to change...

Have you ever wanted someone to see you for you! Not who they want to think you are, or hear what they want to hear but actually know you for you. Your likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, fears. What you want for your children, what you would do if you could do anything in the world, even just your favorite color and most importantly how much you love them and just want to be a part of their life with no strings attached. I actually hope none of you can sympathize with this feeling, but if you can then i'm praying for you. And know that I think you are the greatest person in the world...even with your faults!


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