13.1

"Hey, we should run a half marathon together" said Amanda  "Sure, sounds fun" says me

Whaaaaa??!!  I know NOTHING about running a marathon!!! I'm not even back up to running a full 5K right now.  But what do I do...I sign up!

Early July, I talked with the hubs about pros/cons of doing this.  Before I signed, he just asked me to really think about why I wanted to run and if it was reason enough to stay dedicated to training.  I have to say, I think my reason is.

I wouldn't change my life for the world, please know that.  6 years ago and student teaching away from my degree, we found out we were having our first baby.  Of course we were excited, especially since we had to overcome some issues to even have him.  After talking with my professors, waiting till next semester was the best choice, as he was due during the smack middle of the semester.  Well, our little bundle was born in Oct.  Jan rolled around and guess who didn't go back to school.  I had no where for Seth to go.  Not only could we not afford daycare, but honestly, it just wasn't even considered an option for our family.  So I stayed home with him and said I'd finish later.  3 years and another child later,  still no school.  By this time, things had changed and not only did I still need to finish student teaching, but more classes had been added.  I still had no place for the boys to go, so I did what many have done...I started over.  I was able to get into online classes and work towards a new degree that would still put me in a setting I loved.  I worked towards a double major in Soc/Psy and have one semester left to finish-one day I will.  Yes again, another snag in the road and school is on hold.  This one is financial, but one day I WILL FINISH!

See a running theme in my life?  School is not the only area I have started something and never finished. I often let myself get discouraged about being an "uneducated" stay at home mom.  I find my self worth can sometimes get lost in the endless laundry and stack of dirty dishes.  Occasionally, I get upset thinking "Surely, I was meant for more than maid service".  I know that I am.  I know that my boys need me and we all benefit from me being home.  They are strong, smart, independent boys and I'd like to think I have a little something to do with it.  I have accomplished a lot in my life...but its all been for others.  Again, never would I trade it nor do I begrudge it. I love my life.
To me, this race is significant for the reason, it's a personal accomplishment.  This race will take training, commitment, determination.  I will have to run when I don't want to, train when I hurt, will myself to the end and sometimes cry till I get there.  My legs have hurt, my chest has burned and many times I thought it was impossible to physically keep going-and that's just 5 miles.  I still have 8 more miles to add to that.  But the day I cross that finish line, I will have finished!!!  I'm not worried about my time.  I not going to sweat it if I need to walk some.  My goal is simply to finish.
My goal needed to be at the almost impossible level, I didn't want it to be easy.  I wanted to stretch myself to the end of my limits and prove that I was capable of doing something I never thought possible.  So you can see, I need this for me!

So yes,  I think my goal is enough to keep me motivated to keep at it. What I'm showing my boys (including my husband) along this journey, is important to me.  On the weekends I go early in the morning, John will sometimes bring the boys down to the park and meet me for my cool down walk.  Sometimes I take the boys with me, they ride their bikes as I run beside them.  The trail we run has many hill and inclines.  At 6, 3, heck 33 even, they can be difficult to reach the top.  I will help push them along, as they tell me they can't do it.  "You CAN do it" I tell them.  "It may be hard, and you may have to go slow, but don't quit.  Keep trying"  Once we reach the top, I always make them stop.  We stand and look back to see just how far we make it. I want them to see what they accomplished and feel proud that they did it.  My oldest said once "Whew, I didn't think I could do it Mommy.  I must be stronger than I thought I was"  Yes baby, you are.  THAT'S what I want you to learn.  You are stronger than you think, you can make it if you just try a little longer.  And don't let the sight of something so big up ahead, stop you from even trying.

This race is so much more than just running 13.1 miles. It's a personal goal that is met, it's teaching my boys that it's not always going to be easy.  Sometimes you may have to take a break, but that is not stopping.  You catch your breath, get back up and keep going.  Believe in yourself and make up your mind it WILL NOT BEAT YOU!!!. 

It may sound silly to get so wrapped up in all that this means for me-my family.  But that's ok.  You don't have to understand it.  This one...this one's for me!

What happened...

When I started this blog it was to keep memories of my kids and whatever randoms popped into my head.   However, it didn't take me long to find the awesomeness that is blogging. Soon I fell in love with craft blogs, fashion blog, sarcastic/keep it real blogs and I wanted to be just like them. 

I joined in linky parties, I commented on blogs and hoped that someone noticed me, I fashioned my writing style after bloggers that I admired. I made crafts not because I wanted to, but because I needed a craft blog.  I searched for any topic I could write about, just as long as I wrote something and obsessed over my stats to see who and from where people were reading.  I became a blog that was about everyone/thing, but me-or the real me!

It was a lot of stress to keep up with all of that.  I got overwhelmed and just stopped blogging.  What I didn't stop though, was trying to keep up being like others, rather than just being myself.

This last year has been a growing year for me.  I've incorporated a million things into my life.  Most because I wanted to jump on board with whatever the "in" thing happened to be.  Some stuck because I realized I liked it, while other fell to the wayside.  In the middle of being like everyone else, I was frustrated because it was exhausting and I just really wanted to be me.  Buuut, the problem with that was that I didn't really like me because I had so many expectation on myself of what I needed to be to keep up.  I needed to be healthier, do more crafts with my kids, get dressed every day, have a clean house with food on the table by 5.  The list went on and on, especially as I saw all the posts and pictures of friends who seemed to be able to accomplish so much and keep everything together.  Why could I not be like that too??

After a slight mental breakdown from the stress of it all (poor John lol), it all had to stop.  I took a break from everything but my family and came up with a game plan.  I'm now learning to love me for me-imperfections and all.  I sat down and listed all the things that made me unhappy about me.  Then I listed what I was going to do to fix them.  On some things I can not "fix" necessarily, but will have to learn to accept my limitations.

I'm never going to be the crossfit queen or the tall/lean body type exactly like my friend Charity.
I'm never going to be organized or a craft queen exactly like my friend MaryRuth.
I'm never going to be able to make a beautiful decorated house out of amazing sales and garage sale finds exactly like my sister Rachel
I'm never going to be as dedicated to eating healthy or clean lifestyle exactly like my friend Ashley
I'm never going to be a cute dresser like so many of my friends, I have no fashion sense.  And...
I'm never going to have a "strong woman" personality like my friends Amanda and Katie. 

I love and adore each of these friends listed, and so many more, for different reasons.  I'd love to be half the women they are and I admire them for each of their amazing qualities and can only hope that they rub off on me a little.  Couldn't hurt right?! ;)

Buuut, what I'm learning is that in my quest to be exactly like my friends is that I need to learn what makes me.  They are the reason I have learned so many things about myself.  They have many times been my rock and support-sometimes they knew they were, sometimes they didn't.  Always these ladies are an inspiration to me!!!  I now know...

I love running and it is beginning to change me into a fit person for MY body type
I'm working on decluttering my life and in doing so, finding organization that works for me.
I may have to ask for help in decoration my house, but I'm learning I'm actually really good when it comes to power tools and DIY projects.
I have found a healthy/clean eating style that works for my whole family and doesn't seem too daunting
If I try to step out of my comfort zone a little at a time, I can kinda clean up ok.  Annnd...
I'm learning I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for.

I want to remember these change and the people who helped me get there.  All of this post , is to keep an account for myself here on this blog.  One day as I'm reading old posts, I'll stumble across this and remember this turning point in my life.  I hope to find myself much happier with me by then. 

So to anyone that still even reads this as a blog stop, I can't promise the frequency of my posts, but they will be honest, real, and FOR ME!  :)

If you have things that you are struggling with in your life, I challenge you to have a chat with yourself and see what you can do to make yourself happy.  I promise it will be worth it!